Living with an open heart is one of those concepts I've heard so many times (in yoga class, in song lyrics, etc) that it ceased to have meaning for me. More likely it never did have any meaning for me until recently, because now that my heart is wide open I don't think it's something I'll easily forget.
I'm currently in a modern urban living situation that many people are familiar with: even though you and your lover have agreed to go separate ways, there is still the matter of dismantling the life you built together. Continuing to share a home under these conditions is challenging to say the least. The hardest part so far is also the best part. Now that there is an expiration date on all the particulars of my most intimate environment, every moment, every embrace, even every goddamn refrigerator magnet is unbelievably precious.
I burst into tears while changing the sheets yesterday. I thought of all the times I've looked at this and similar domestic tasks as a chore, and it just killed me. I felt so unbelievably grateful just to have sheets, to have a bed, to have shared it with someone I love for so many years. It felt like a privilege to change the sheets, because I can probably count on one hand how many more times I will do so, here.
Thankfully there's no going back. Being a huge mess and loving everything so much it hurts is intense, but it's a far cry better than plowing through beautiful moments like a blind bulldozer, resenting and cursing all the exquisite details that seem to be holding one apart from some imagined future happiness.
Living with an open heart: worth it? Without a doubt. Difficult? Yup. But that's why we practice.
5 comments:
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I'll spare you the trite remarks that usually accompany breakups. Is it all right if I just say I'm glad you're writing and blogging here again? I have always enjoyed your blog and your commentary on how you see your world. Ok, I can't spare you a trite remark. You're an amazingly strong person and you can overcome anything.
Thank you so much! I am so happy you are still reading after I disappeared for so long, and I deeply appreciate your kind words and support.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I have just realised that you were back and have been catching up on the new posts.
As always I LOVE your writing (and your view on things.)
This post is both powerful and touching, I can feel it intensely and my heart goes out to you, and to me, and all of us who are dealing with stuff and doing our best on this crazy old journey called life.
Much love and a really big ((( hug ))) for you!
Keep writing, I am really glad you're back. x
Thank you, Susannah!
It is beyond wonderful to hear from you, and I really appreciate your thoughtful comments :)
I'm glad to be back too, and extra glad for the support of kindred spirits and fellow writers!
and this...good stuff. I might be a blind bulldozer right now. This, "cursing all the exquisite details that seem to be holding one apart from some imagined future happiness," it's like you've inhabited my head. Beautiful writing.
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