Classify this

Are you a Lady or a Tramp? If you're a woman, you must be one or the other. No, seriously. An expert on women has decided that far too many of us are doing things that he doesn't approve of, and has deigned to provide us with a rulebook so that we can aspire to be seen as "classy" in his 27-year-old eyes.

Thank god. I knew I was missing something in my life, but since I'm just a mindless, trashy slut with tattoos and a drinking problem, I couldn't figure out how to better my situation. But thanks to Derek Blasberg's intervention, I now know that I should wear underwear and stop carrying around used condoms and industrial strength laxatives in my purse.

Who's Derek Blasberg? Elle magazine describes him as "a social chronicler for many New York publications and an international jet-setter who's breached the upper echelons with style, wit, and an admirable ability to down yet another flute of champagne". Well, he's breached something all right.

Mr. Blasberg, a fashion writer and Missouri native, has taken it upon himself to write a handbook for women called Classy, which Elle describes as "a guide to becoming a true lady." The magazine devoted an entire page in their April issue to promoting this ridiculous tome, complete with a "Classy Quiz" and a list of "What Never to Have in a Bag" (which includes this puzzling final admonition: 'Remember: How a girl treats her bag is how she might treat a boy.')

I have no idea what that's supposed to mean, but I do know that I would treat any of my handbags with more respect than a boy who presumes to tell womankind what we're doing wrong and why he knows better. At least my purses are attractive and serve a purpose.

The more I read about Mr. Blasberg and his book, the more convinced I became that he is either being bribed or blackmailed by a reactionary religious group who want to bring about a second Victorian era. His views are sexist and demeaning, yet he somehow gets away with it by calling his book "witty". Yeah. It's about as witty as including the word "obey" in a bride's wedding vows. But you don't have to take my word for it--here's what Derek Blasberg has to say:

"I'm shocked by how many supposedly sophisticated girls don't know their water glass from their wine, or who believe menstrual cycles are appropriate cocktail conversation."

"Modern society has put such an emphasis on inappropriate behavior that it seemed like the right time to remind young women how to behave."

"Even if you are a mess, even if you have become the type of girl no one respects, even if you are a tramp—it’s never too late to turn yourself around and become a lady."

"Temptation is as old as time; or at least, the history of temptation extends as far back as the moment Eve gave Adam that serpent’s apple. But what sets the lady apart from the tramp is the ability to acknowledge she needs to clean up her act—and then, of course, the fact that she actually does clean up her act."

"Even if you’re a train wreck, even if as you’re reading this book you’re drunk at a store and thinking about stealing it so you can trade it for a cigarette in the parking lot, there’s still hope for you. Even if you drink too much or pole dance to pay for your cell phone bill, you don’t have to be destined to an emotionally painful, liver-damaging, yellow-toothed, overly tattooed existence."

Mr. Blasberg's website describes Classy as "a collection of humorous essays and illustrations aimed at young women". Aimed at young women? Definitely. He's got us in his sights, and he's shooting to kill our spirits. But humorous? Are you fucking kidding me?

There's nothing humorous about referring to young women en masse as "trashy tramps". There's nothing funny about his biblical reference to Eve, with the implication that women are the genesis of temptation and debauchery. And I'm not at all amused by the fact that a man in his twenties has presumed to write a rulebook for women, or the fact that a women's magazine is promoting it.

Sure, he has a successful career in fashion journalism, but why the attack on women? And why does Elle magazine, an otherwise smart and sophisticated publication, endorse this horseshit?

On page 160 of Elle's April 2010 issue they justify promoting his book this way: "Lindsay Lohan tweets to thousands about her ta-tas. Heidi Montag gets plastic surgery and CNN reports. It's the age of poorly behaved, panty-flashing train wrecks. ... A New York social butterfly believes that in today's age of tasteless pseudo-celebrity, it's time for a refresher course in how to be Classy."

If you don't approve of Lindsay Lohand's titty tweets, don't read them. If you're gobsmacked by CNN's coverage of Heidi Montag's plastic surgery, don't click through to those kinds of stories. And if you publish a magazine aimed at women, don't insult our intelligence by pushing a book that tells us we're all either "tramps" or "ladies." I'm neither, and soon I may not be an Elle subscriber either.